The following account was written several months ago and was never published due its highly personal nature and emotionally driven subject matter. Since its completion, the emotions attached to it never came to fruition, and so, it was regulated to the archives of ‘never to be published’. However, in light of recent events, I have decided to publish this article in an effort to cleanse myself and move on in a fresh, new direction with whom this account is based upon. For the first man I ever loved…
Recently a close friend and fellow blogger spoke of how song lyrics often replicate our own emotions and feelings almost to the point believing the song was written just for you. There has been numerous times where I have experienced the phenomenon. Lately, the sensation has been occurring on a daily basis. All of which stems from a certain emotional attachment.
It is true, that each glance, each laugh and every moment together, you fall deeper and deeper into a vicious circle of infatuation and adoration. And so begin the myriad of questions that don’t help you reach a resolution or be of sound mind. You question whether you are making it all up, you wonder whether it could really be a reality, you have arguments for and against what you are feeling. The battle is ongoing.
It makes it harder when you realise that everything fits. Absolutely everything. The little niggles don’t bother you at all but in fact are endearing. You realise the frustration when you feel elated, relaxed and simply happy whenever you are together. You count the moments until you next meet. The silences aren’t awkward. Ever.
If only you didn’t think it to begin with. If only a good friend didn’t say exactly the same thing you were thinking, out of the blue. If only you didn’t realise that every box is ticked and everything is right. If only you knew that what you truly wanted, didn’t potentially ruin what you have in the current.
So what do you do? Suppress your emotions and let things continue? Hope that something happens to confirm your thoughts? Or admit it? No one can offer you the answer. Not even yourself.
I think about you everyday. I imagine a life together – you and me. But I’ll never tell you for I am afraid that I’ll be hurt. And it kills me to see you with anyone but me. I love you. And you’ll never know.